Advisor Circle
Forty-five financial advisors gathered in a large, sunny room in Atlanta on September 15, 2010. They took their seats at round tables, not quite knowing what to expect! There was a great mix of ages, both genders and a diversity of firms, experience and types of practices represented. Everyone shared an interest in “changing the conversation” with women about money. Elizabeth Jetton, CFP® of Directions for Women and I facilitated the café.
We first asked the group to share the questions they brought into the room. Most of their questions began with the word “HOW”: How do we get women in the room? How do we engage women who do not seem to want our help? How do we get young professional women smart about their money? How can we reach young women? How do we work with a couple when the wife assumes everything is being handled by the husband?
We left those questions unanswered and hanging – deliberately. These are excellent professional questions and deserve thoughtful professional answers, but in the spirit of “changing the conversation” we wanted to advisors to experience – not just discuss – what it is like to talk about and listen to painful or awkward missteps with money. We asked them to share with a partner a story about their own money mistakes, and then reflect upon how they felt when admitting these mistakes. As Elizabeth and I walked around the room we heard a lot of nervous laughter, and the phrases “I was stupid,” “I should have known better,” “Guess I’m just human, after all…”
We then asked the planners to find new tables and conversation partners and to tell a story about overcoming a major obstacle or problem in their lives. The planners listening then reflected back what they heard in terms of the resources brought to bear in solving the problem. “Courage,” “Persistence,” “Honesty” were among the many resources cited. “Money” – the resource we planners talk about most – was not mentioned. Again there was laughter, but this time it was lighter and shared by many people. You could feel the energy in the room.
Women’s Circle
Our evening conversation with 16 women consumers also began with a sense of palpable anxiety in the room. They had come to the event, as far as they knew, to talk about money – and it was clear that for many of them, this was not exactly a fun or easy topic to discuss. Unlike the advisors, most of these women did not know the other invitees, adding somewhat to their discomfort.
The women sat in a single circle and introduced themselves simply by stating their name, where they were from, and the names of the women in their lives. The spirit of grandmothers, mothers, sisters, daughters, nieces, and granddaughters thus came into the room, as well as smiles of recognition with a shared family name or birthplace.
We used a “talking piece” which is an important tool of circle hosting to allow each participant to speak without interruption. In this case, the talking piece was a small ball with squishy spikes that the women tossed back and forth when one had finished her share and another wanted to speak.
Our questions to the group were similar to those put to the advisors: What questions do you bring with you today? Tell a story about a childhood experience with money and how that shows up in your life today. Talk about a problem in your life that you overcame. After this last topic, other members of the group commented on the resources and strengths of the storyteller. “Courage,” “strength to face reality,” “willingness to ask for help” were just a few of the many resources cited.
When we closed the circle by asking for final thoughts, the most frequent theme was gratitude – thankfulness for friends, abundance, for the group. Several expressed an interest in continuing a circle conversation in the future.
Transformations
It was clear to Elizabeth and me that some powerful transformations had taken place in these two conversations with advisors and with women. In the case of the advisors, they arrived in their professional roles, eager to learn about tools and processes they could use immediately in their practices. They left, however, with a sense of their personal vulnerability, and a new appreciation of what their women clients often experience when it comes to the subject of money. They also experienced a new definition of “wealth”, as not just financial assets, but the internal and social resources that can be used in the pursuit of a rich life.
In the women’s circle, the process was one of creating “safe” space. The subject of money – which most perceived as scary, embarrassing, confusing, isolating – was transformed into an engaging exploration of attitudes and strengths. They arrived quietly, with hesitation and their own fears about money scarcity, and left, still chatting, excited about the possibility of continuing the conversation.
One woman’s comment illustrates perfectly this transformation. She had come to the circle at the urging of her husband, but admitted at the outset that she really had very little to say about money. She was quiet during the open shares, but listened intently. At the end of the evening, however, when we went around the circle for the women to offer any parting thoughts, she finally spoke. She admitted that she had nothing to contribute earlier in the evening when we asked for childhood money memories. But now she did remember a story about having to dole out lunch money to her younger, less responsible brother. It seemed to be an “Aha!” moment for her, explaining her tendency to take care of everyone else, to the exclusion of her self.
“This,” she said, “is something I really want to think about…”
Click here to read more about the Circles process.
