I recently wrote a Thanksgiving column for the CFP Board of Standards urging consumers to use the time we spend with our families to talk about finances. I suspect my advice was not very popular. “Stop being such an old stick,” readers probably thought. “Discussing money with my family is sure to ruin a perfectly good holiday…Anyways, it’s way too noisy at the mall to do much talking.”

To which I would answer: Not talking about money with your family, whether it’s during Thanksgiving or at some other point, is even surer to ruin many more holidays in the future. Failure to share key financial information and plans — such as the details about wills, living arrangements and health care coverage for later years, expectations or requirements for family help in the event of disaster – can cause huge upset and disagreement among family members when a crisis arrives. An open and frank discussion today can prevent years of family fracture tomorrow.

But like all good advice, this is easier said than done. Particularly for us women. So many of us grew up believing it’s not nice to talk about money. Or perhaps we don’t have the financial training to really understand what is being talked about. Some of us, quite frankly, just don’t have the time, given more immediate demands of young children and career tracks. And even if you completely get that it’s important to have the “talk,” how do you start the conversation without seeming to be nosy or greedy?

There is no one perfect script – how you begin will depend on the person you are talking to and the quality of the relationship. What you say to Mom and Dad is likely to be very different from what you bring up with your siblings, as may be the emotions you experience in these two conversations. Nevertheless, here are some ideas for launching these important topics as productively and peacefully as possible.

• Emphasize that you care about the other’s wellbeing. Explain that you are asking these questions or bringing up these subjects because you really want to know what the other person hopes for and needs in the way of financial security, so that you are better able to honor and respect their wishes.

• Acknowledge the importance of financial privacy and autonomy, even among family members, but point out the many ways a family is inevitably linked where money is concerned. When an individual dies, divorces, or remarries, there are necessary financial implications for the family, particularly if there are dependents to consider.

• Model the kind of response, in terms of openness and detail, that you hope to get by sharing your own information first. For example, you might say to your parents: “Mom and Dad, I want you know that I would like to provide for my children in the following ways in my estate documents, and it would be helpful to me in finalizing my planning if you were to share with me your own estate plans.”

• Honor your own boundaries and capabilities, as you share with others your financial plans, and learn of theirs. You might say to a sibling, for instance, that you cannot financially support your nieces and nephews if anything were to happen, even if you are willing to help raise them. You might tell a child in college that you are prepared to let them live at home after graduation, but only for a six-month period. Limits need to be established now; trying to impose them later in the midst of turmoil or disruption is almost impossible, and likely to be misunderstood.

• Where it is really difficult to talk calmly and clearly about financial matters, consider writing a letter instead. In this way, you get a second chance to edit yourself as you express your financial hopes and intentions, both for yourself and the other family member. You can also get questions asked that need answers, without veering off into disagreements weighted down with “old family baggage.” Explain your intentions for writing it down, you don’t want anyone thinking you are trying to begin an official paper trail.

• When all else fails, consider using a third-party as a neutral facilitator for a family conversation about money. A CFP® professional who offers personal financial planning would be a suitable expert to guide this conversation, having had extensive experience in helping clients through the big financial events of life. He or she will understand both sides of the family dialog, and can suggest ways to resolve money differences. A financial planner will also add an objective view of the financial issues under discussion.

There are a lot of situations in which “talk is cheap,” but not when it comes to families talking about money. I remember bringing up with my mother the touchy subject of “who would get what” when it came time to distribute her jewelry and prized possessions. If it had not been for that conversation, I truly believe that my older sister and I — lifelong arch rivals in all matters of materiality – would still not be speaking eighteen years after my mother’s death. It would have been a case of “I want that! It’s mine!” erupting word-for-word from both our mouths as we tried to divide my mother’s effects. But what in fact happened was far different. Remembering our family tête-à-tête, I was able to pick up my mother’s heirloom engagement ring and calmly hand it to the third and oldest sister.

We were all at peace because “it’s what Mom said she wanted…”